Building Grit in Our Young Adults
by Eileen Der Aris, Certified Life Coach for Young Adults
In last month’s newsletter, I mentioned how letting our young adults struggle and even fail is something that can lead to their happiness. Yet as parents, there is nothing more painful than watching your kids suffer. But if you knew that failure could mean success in the future, what would that be worth to you? Experts have recently discussed the term, “grit.” Grit in psychology is defined as “a positive, non-cognitive trait based on an individual’s passion for a particular long-term goal, with a powerful motivation to achieve their respective objective.” In today’s times, our young adults need more grit than ever but so many of them are more depressed and anxious than in generations before. What gives?
Most of us have heard of a helicopter parent (an overprotective parent who discourages a child’s independence by being too involved in the child’s life and jumps in at any sign of challenge or discomfort) and how “bad” it is but that doesn’t make us bad parents. For better or worse, parents are doing what they think is best. After 9/11, more fear than ever has been on the minds of everyone, especially parents of the Generation X era (people born approximately 1965-1980.) With terrorist attacks being more commonplace, school shootings, the great recession, political unrest, human trafficking, more awareness due to social media, and general instability of life and safety in the world, it is no wonder that parents keep a closer eye on their children than ever before. From there, many parents choose to actively pave the way to make life “easier” for their children. What we didn’t know was that in the process, our children did not have much experience with independence and coping skills that are needed once they go out in the world on their own. As a result, many young adults feel inadequate and overwhelmed with life, that happens to be so much more overstimulating than ever, which can often result in anxiety and depression. Young adults don’t feel they can do it on their own without parental help since we have always done so much for them in the past. Consequently, they do not think parents believe in them, so they don’t believe that they are capable of doing it on their own.
Most parents really do want what is best for their children but how do they keep them safe and help them develop the “grit” they need to motivate themselves? Awareness is the first step. In 2005, Angela Duckworth, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, has been studying grit and behavior in students. She discovered that students who possessed the skill of grit, not necessary intelligence or academic achievement, have shown long-term success in academics and life thereafter. Those who did better in school might not have been smarter than their peers, they may have just worked harder.
If they don’t already have an idea, help your young adult discover what it is they love to do. Exposing them to different experiences that are out of their comfort zones will help them learn more about who they are and what they really enjoy. If you need help figuring this out, hire a life coach who will help young adults understand more about themselves and what is most important to them. Once they discover what they love to do, they can find something meaningful and motivating to them. They will also learn to stick with something they may not be “good at” right away and develop the perseverance they need to be happy and successful.
The next part can be difficult for parents. Even if their son or daughter becomes frustrated, parents need to hold back from doing the task for them so they can develop the resilience they need. If you want to feel like you are “helping,” work with them to figure out what they can do next to move forward after the difficulty. It is normal to feel the emotions of sad, mad, confused or disappointed. Be aware that being critical will make them feel inadequate and lose the motivation to try again. Young adults need space and validation to know that it is normal to experience these feelings.
Finally, the best role model for your child is you. Demonstrate how you take on tasks that can be challenging for you and how you negotiate through the same difficult emotions. How do you work through your own anxiety? It’s remarkable how they learn from watching us, so we need to be self-observant and behave similarly to how we wish they would. Their worries are often worse than what could actually happen. Show them that it’s okay to not be perfect and that all of us can learn from our mistakes. As I mentioned last month, this one is a challenge, but it will help your young adults gain more confidence in themselves and experience more happiness in the long run. Always ask for help when you need it, this parenting gig is not easy but very rewarding!
Happy Thanksgiving! I am grateful for all of you and for the opportunity to help people appreciate their potential. I learn from you every day.
With Warmth and Respect,
Eileen Der Aris, MS, Ed, CPC, ELI-MP
Rising Adults Coaching
Certified Life Coach for Young Adults
www.RisingAdultsCoaching.com
Eileen@Risingadultscoaching.com
516-650-2540