by Eileen Der Aris, Certified Life Coach for Young Adults
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what that means? How do you know when you are happy? Someone asked me this and what I thought would be an easy answer turned into something I had to think about. I always pictured happiness as some type of euphoria where you are laughing, very excited and bursting with glee. The actual definition is, “characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment or joy.” That’s when it hit me. I don’t want to be bursting with emotion all the time, that would be exhausting. Happiness for me is peace and taking pleasure in the little things that bring me contentment. It is a sense of calm, harmony and satisfaction. But the question is, how can I feel that more often?
As parents, we often dream for our children to be happy. Whenever we make a wish and blow out our own candles, our children’s happiness is what many of us parents wish for. But wishes can’t be the only way for this to happen. How can we help our young adults be happier? One way to be happier is to live in the moment. We hear that all the time but how do we do it? The key to living in the moment is gratitude. Of course, we are grateful for our friends and family, but I am talking about the little things we don’t think about throughout our day. The more grateful you are the more others around you will be. I did a little experiment of my own. Every time I got a little bit of a good feeling, I stated to myself, THIS is happy. So, for example, when I put my head down at night and I take note of how yummy that feels, THIS is happy. When I got into the shower and felt that warm water on me, THIS is happy. When my family enjoyed a dinner I made, THIS is happy. The family felt less stress since the atmosphere was significantly lighter. There is always something to be grateful for.
This leads to how happiness/positivity is contagious. When you feel happier, the others around you do, since the feeling in the room feels lighter with less intensity and stress; therefore, modeling happiness will help your family. If you don’t feel happy yourself, one thing that can help is to ACT LIKE YOU WANT TO FEEL. It sounds crazy but the power of suggestion is extremely influential. You don’t need to act like Mary Poppins, just behave as you would like others to behave around you. When you see the effect it has on the rest of your family, you’ll be quite pleased. (FYI-Be aware, if you ask your young adult what makes them happy, they will most likely tell you, “I don’t know,” or maybe the latest iPhone or a trip to Bermuda. Parents don’t seem to get the gift of a straight answer with this type of question. I learned this the hard way!)
Finally, let them struggle and fail. I know, how can this make them happy? This is a really hard one for us parents. Full disclosure, I, too, learned this from personal parenting experience, as I have also felt that if I don’t say “something” (whatever it is) my young adults won’t know how to do it. Of course, parents have life experience and may know more about what their kids should and shouldn’t do. What is really hard for us parents is watching our kids suffer and fail. The truth is, there does need to be some of that in their lives. The skills of endurance, problem- solving and “grit’” are not something that many of our kids of today have experienced and truly need the opportunity to develop for true happiness to be achieved. Failing causes learning and that growth leads to better decision making, along with a sense of pride and accomplishment from learning what to do on their own. So, what can parents do? We can encourage them by truly listening to how they feel without trying to correct them (it is challenging, but it works!) We need to allow our kids to experience life with its ups and downs. We will always be there for them if they need us. This one is a challenge, but it will help your young adults gain more confidence in themselves and experience more happiness in the long run.
The parenting “thing” doesn’t end as our children age. It can be even more challenging! (Don’t say bigger kids, bigger problems, the parents of littles will be VERY scared, lol!) Please know that it’s okay to get help for your kids and/or yourself. We need to support one another.
With Warmth and Respect,
Eileen Der Aris, MS, Ed, CPC, ELI-MP
Rising Adults Coaching
Certified Life Coach for Young Adults
www.RisingAdultsCoaching.com
Eileen@Risingadultscoaching.com
516-650-2540